Anyway, I was randomly thinking about this movie today (ironically as, but not because, the Union Station tram was passing by downtown LA, close to the "bench"). I thought about that line. This is not verbatim but the line that goes something like this: "One day I woke up and knew he was the one. I never felt that with you." And I thought about this for a while. And then I had this really, really obvious question (that I should have had immediately after I watched the movie):
Do people really feel that way about love? Meaning, is it just something that's there? (Question applies to both guys and girls... and if you can, please answer the question in the comments below...)
Because asking that question begets this question..
What happens when that feeling disappears?
By definition, feel-ing is temporary, whether it is a physical sensation or an experience of emotion (I know a long term injury or a traumatic experience makes this definition seem a bit understated, as well as the fact that I don't know how the marriage between Summer and her husband turns out. But, for the sake of argument, I am going to play devil's advocate). Which means, does that feeling that Summer had about her new husband appear in a way similar to Tom's feelings about Summer, in the ways that Tom developed his feelings (granted, they were somewhat superficial and 18 year oldish), or was it just that "I just knew he was the one?"
Because, based off the definition of feeling, it will end. That feeling. That "it" factor. That "I just know."
Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have any chemistry between you and your significant other. Or that you should not be looking for any sort of feeling within you.
But what I am essentially asking is, should that feeling be the foundation of a relationship?
Because if it is, I'm never going to be in one. My feelings come and go.
Commitment, on the other hand, is not. Whether legal, or moral, or Christ-centered, there is a standard that must be met. And, personally, I would like to have the one that will last forever (hint: it's not the first two). For that to be a reality... love needs to be more than a feeling. It needs to be a commitment.
20 comments:
mmhmm...
i think there is just that feeling that someone is right for you
of course for you and me there's a more biblical/godly sense in that we pray about it...but yea there's a feeling for sure...think about the people you like more than others...
wow you are fast.
and, yea that's exactly what i'm saying. so should it be the basis for a relationship? because i did say that you shouldn't not have chemistry or have a liking feeling towards them.
the way you're speaking about it makes it seem like it should be the basis and then the biblical/godly sense is more on top of it.
hmm...
I'm really bad with words, but I think there DOES need to be that feeling...
Maybe the "feeling" that she realized was one that convinced her how much she wanted to commit to this person no matter how crazy things may get in the future. Maybe she felt that this new guy and her would have the strength, ability, and desire to get through anything... she FELT that with this guy and not the other.
I don't even know if I'm topic anymore or if that made any sense at all! -___-" hahahaha... sorry if I didn't really explain that well, but you know we'll talk later about this! haha :D
aahhaha b/c i liked that movie so it interested me immediately and it's something ive been thinking about a lot!
feelings shouldn't be the basis for anything. but then the should vs. the what we do is different...biblical/godly is the basic foundation ...you want a christian person who fits your standards but then feelings is what really sets it off...right
I don't think this movie can even be judged with a biblical point of view because it's just like any other "chick flick". It makes people think there is only THE ONE for everyone.... AND it advertises the WRONG kind of love...one that IS based only on feelings/emotions and not a whole lot on commitments at all...
ok... I'm gonna sleep now... :P ttyl!
P.S. HI CRYSTAL!!! <3
HI KIM PAN <3 ahahaha dang it...how come when i click on your name it goes nowhere? :(
but okay yes kim pan is the most correct! that movie is not for christian lovers
Personally, all of this "The One" business has done a disservice to the Christian world. Being so bent on finding "The One," we run the risk of making that person out to be an idol, however inadvertently.
As to your question, the sad truth is that people DO feel that way about love. That love is a feeling. If the feeling is strong enough, then they seem to "know." Consequently, people fall out of love when the feeling disappears.
I believe love is a choice. It can be an easy choice to make, or it can be a difficult one. Ultimately, it's not so much as KNOWING a person is "The One" as it is DECIDING she is. In that decision you're making the choice to love and treat her as if she were everything "The One" should be.
you could make someone the one or whatever...but you can't force stuff...yes initially it will be feeling but after awhile it is decision and committment...
but definitely wtheck is the one? the matrix of relationships?
I could be wrong but I think it's both.
love is a desire AND
love is a commitment.
we commit because we desire, we desire because we commit.
of course there is wisdom in all of this, because the heart is deceitful and wicked and much discernment must be taken whether our desires are holy or not.
btw, I just watched that movie. Summer was just trouble waiting to happen. Tom needs to re-watch the Graduate and realize the ending is supposed to be SAD, not happy. And the name Winter... sounds sorta gloomy no? It's like, "Hey, Winter's here." sorta dark/emo... unless u like girls like that.
@kpan: your first post is exactly what I meant in the post (maybe I should have clarified). Isn't that feeling just that... only a feeling? When push comes to shove, is she she going to feel that all the time? And ultimately, do people actually believe that about love?
@cpack: LOL, matrix of relationships!!!! hahahaha.
@jong: thanks for that jong. i agree with your post, especially the last paragraph.
@eugene lim: i think your circular argument is great... hahaha ironic huh? But, the question becomes, what if one of those is lost? say, I am no longer committed to love... what happens to desire? Am I to consider my desire in order to make my commitment a sincere one? And Winter is emo? really? dang, i was really considering that name... lol.
omg michael. i had to leave a comment b/c this post is so intriguing and also as a girl i've rehashed the topic of 'love' many times over.
first i think there's a definite distinction between God's love and our love for one another. God's love is absolute and our 'love' (if we're even allowing ourselves to call it that) is a sad imitation of His love for us.
i disagree with the person earlier who said that love is a choice. perhaps he meant to say commitment is a choice? if that be the case, then we could say such things as...chemistry is a choice, physical attraction is a choice. but how would you describe people that you are immediately not attracted to (be it their personality or their outward appearance). can you "choose" to love them and commit your lives to them? would you be happy in that regard?
and i think the quote needs clarification in some respect...b/c that line was actually one of my favorite lines in the movie!! it goes..
Summer: “One day I woke up and I just knew.”
Tom: “Knew what?”
Summer: “What I was never sure of with you.”
so in this sense, maybe her certainty about her husband wasn't based on feelings alone (as it shouldn't be) but rather a culmination of things..like compatibility, respect, chemistry, and of course for christians God's will would be the greatest factor here but i am hesitant to say that it would be the only factor b/c i think our God would grant us a significant other that is all of those previous things. and so feelings would also be a large part of this equation (for non-christians probably the largest factor).
so, things summer experienced a slight whisper of in tom, but experienced as a tidal wave with her husband. just as tom experienced that with summer albeit he was blind and insensitive.
now again, this certainty i don't think is absolute. (nothing in life ever is) but it's enough for us to choose to commit our lives. now our level of commitment will probably vary. if one day the husband gets mad at the wife, or he doesn't feel physically attracted to her or he doesn't feel the same way for her blahblahblah on and on, he could choose to divorce her b/c he no longer wants to commit.
again, i think if you talk to any married couple they will say that the period of "love" lasts 3-7 years. after that it is commitment. it is friendship. it is compromise. it is survival.
so to answer your question (i have a feeling i didn't address it all): should "the feeling" be a foundation for a relationship?
yes, maybe not the whole part but part of the foundation. because the feeling is influenced by other things, in a biblical sense maybe you have been praying for a girl exactly like the one in front of you which induces you to "feel" a certain way about her, or perhaps you have had a dream that shows your future with this girl. now i'm not saying that all this is biblical it's just hypos.
the "feeling" will most likely go away but it's the growth and the other things that were there when the feeling was there along with the chosen commitment that will help the relationship to last. (of course prayer as well!)
okay, i hope this makes sense. :)
miss you. let's meet up. russia 2k7!!!!
wow I really like the comment about love being both a commitment AND a desire.
Yes. Emotions are fickle. Don't base your relationships on them. But I think chemiistry does need to exist. Perhaps not "chemistry" in a worldly sense, but more along the lines of this unexplainable love or inkling toward that person that exists and can grow... hmmm sounds like God's love :)
I don't know. My second attempt at a comment. Let's talk more during retreat, MKae!
Hi Hannah. I wanted to respond to your comment.
I stand by what I said about love being a choice. Commitment is a choice too, but the two are not the same. You mentioned how we could then say that chemistry and physical attraction are choices, and asked if we'd be happy if we were to choose to love and commit our lives to people we don't find immediately attractive, either in personality or outward appearance.
And the answer is yes.
I don't believe you're saying that love is in the same realm as chemistry and physical attraction, but the implication is there. It seems that chemistry and physical attraction have to be there for love to flourish. But we all know that beauty is fleeting. And chemistry? You mentioned that any married couple will say that "love" lasts just 3-7 years, followed by commitment, friendship, compromise, and survival. Personally that's a depressing outlook on marriage, regardless of how many couples will attest to that, especially in light of the fact that you believe God will grant us significant others that are compatible, respectful, and have chemistry with us. Will God not sustain those things after granting them to us?
Now I don't believe God will have us marry someone we don't want to. I believe that He will place the desire in our hearts. Nor am I discounting feelings. I just don't want to rely on them. But I believe all this talk about compatibility and respect and chemistry and desire and feelings only serve to feed "The One" complex to the extent that in practice, we don't seem to really believe that God has met all our needs and desires already in Jesus Christ, the One.
If we believe that our needs and desires have already been fulfilled, it frees us to love others, most especially our significant others, however imperfect. We love because God first loved us. That was a choice He made so we can in turn choose the same.
Jong: think about it in a different way. Love can be a choice. But what happens if you say you decided to go for someone who you decide to love...but down the line say in 10 years...you may have chosen to choose that one girl but your standards of beauty and what you want in a woman could change...so in that sense there is no One...but in order for you to stay committed to a person especially for guys since their number one sin tends to be lust...you need to think that person is "the bomb"...and with that comes chemistry, godliness, emotions, and of course facts.
I hope I'm making sense. I just have a very strong stance on this. But I agree...when Summer said that he does not have what her husband has...it's true...it's not like it's just emotion based
And for some people who pray about their spouse...God speaks to people in different ways so He might make sure you don't go for the wrong woman or he might direct you towards the exact woman.
LOL I don't even know exactly what I'm arguing about.
wow this hella attracted comments lol
I don't know much about love, but I sure know a lot about God's love! And I know that emotions go away and changes, God never does. Thus commitment is what its all about. But at the same time I think the commitment also helps draw the emotions back. I guess the feeling and knowledge leads you to thinking he/she's the one after careful consideration... but that might go away later, but the commitment aspect might bring it back. K, my 2 cents. PEACE
All I know is that I want a wife hotter than heck. Desire makes commitment easier. And it makes doing 1 Cor 7:3 easier.
Sizzleeeeee.
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